As I have mentioned in my previous writings, since I have had my stroke, I have struggled with some “what ifs” about my future. What if the aphasia doesn’t go away? What if I have another stroke? What if it is worse the next time? Every time I get a headache, have tingling in my hands, or have trouble remembering things, I have a moment when I think of the what ifs. I know that I can’t control whether I have another stroke any more than I can control any other event that might happen to me or my family. This is just so close, and it took me so off guard that I am holding onto it more than I would like.
Since my stroke, there have been other things that have happened to my family—disappointments, hurts, relationship struggles, medical events, grief. I haven’t been able to control any of those things, but I can control my response to them and how I support the people closest to me.
My faith tells me that God is sovereign—in control of the big picture and the small details. I do not need to be anxious about anything because God is already in my future and knows the number of my days. I wholeheartedly believe that. However, it is tough for me to rest in that belief in the day to day. My circumstances have been shaken, but my faith has not. I am trying to reconcile my circumstances in light of my faith. It is not easy. If I am completely honest, I often fail because the voice of my what if is so loud. I will get there, but it will take time. As patient as everyone has been with my communication struggles, God is infinitely more patient. I am not perfect in my reliance on Him—far from it—and that didn’t just change when I had a stroke or when my family has faced other tough circumstances. I have never been, and I likely will never be perfectly reliant. That’s ok, though, because as I am imperfect and hard on myself, God responds with patience, grace and mercy.
That’s why God is God, and I am not.
Thanks for reading. 😊 EW