Author: admin

A New Chapter

I left my full-time job about a month ago. I had been with the same company (more or less…) for 2 months short of 16 years. During that time, I held 4 roles, supervised dozens of employees, and survived an acquisition. I went from being in one office full time to traveling between 2 offices and then traveling among 5 offices and then mostly working from home except for monthly site visits. This stage in my career saw me recovering from a divorce, raising my kids, surviving the pandemic as an “essential worker,” and recovering from a stroke. Many of the lessons I have learned about leadership, both what to do and what not to do came from this job. I have grown as a person and as a leader as a result.

It’s a strange experience when leaving a work-from-home job. On my last day, I finished tying up the last of the loose ends and then shut down my computer. There was no boxing up my office, saying goodbye to my coworkers, or walking out of the building. I had said goodbye to some folks in person in the week prior to leaving, and some of my team had a virtual meeting full of goodbyes, but at the final moment, it was strange to just get up from my desk and walk to my kitchen. The primary closure came when I didn’t log back in to my computer after the weekend. Just like that, I was done.

Before any of you think that I just went crazy and quit my job, I didn’t. It was intentional and with a plan that was over a year in the making. In May, 2024, I knew that my current job was not where I needed to be for several reasons. I spent some time brushing up my resume and looking for other positions, but that was yielding only frustration. (from my fellow job hunters, can I get an Amen!!) As I was trying to work through the stress and frustration, I had a crazy thought of going back to my degree and what I had been intending to do when I graduated 15 years prior. Maybe, just maybe I could go into professional counseling and marriage & family therapy!

The first hurdle in that plan was figuring out if my degree still met the requirements for licensure, which, thankfully, it did. I then had to find someone who would take a chance on me by being my licensure supervisor even though I was 15 years past graduation. I contacted one of my former instructors who has a therapy practice in town, and she was willing to give me a shot!! Then, I spent the next 3 months studying for the National Counseling Exam, which is required to get a provisional license. In August, I passed on the first try, despite the guy sitting next to me that was driving me crazy by coughing and hacking the whole time (who, come to find out, had Covid, and was kind enough to share!). With the exam (and Covid) behind me, I just needed to jump through the hoops of submitting my paperwork and fees to get my provisional license. My provisional license came in October, and then I was on my way!

From October, 2024 to May, 2025 the therapy practice referred as many clients as possible to me to establish my client base. The tough part about being provisionally licensed is that there are very limited insurance companies that allow billing. This means that I have mostly been referred clients who are willing to private pay. By February, I was starting to fill up my evening hours with clients while spending my days doing my full-time job. I was consistently working 12-14 hours a day between both jobs. At the end of May, I hit a breaking point where I realized that I was struggling to do both jobs well. We crunched some household finance numbers, I talked with my supervisor (who is one of my dearest friends—and not just due to workplace trauma bonding!), and I put in my resignation.

So, here’s to a new chapter! I’m finally what I want to be when I grow up—3 months before I turn 50! It is scary. It is rewarding. It is stretching me in ways I haven’t been stretched before (I’m looking at you, insurance billing!!). It is a much slower pace, which is taking some getting used to.  I’m excited for my caseload to grow so I’m working full-time again. In the meantime, I’m trying to soak up learning opportunities and trying not to stress about not having a predictable salary. All in all, life is good.

Thanks for reading! 😊 EW

Faith vs What If

As I have mentioned in my previous writings, since I have had my stroke, I have struggled with some “what ifs” about my future. What if the aphasia doesn’t go away? What if I have another stroke? What if it is worse the next time? Every time I get a headache, have tingling in my hands, or have trouble remembering things, I have a moment when I think of the what ifs. I know that I can’t control whether I have another stroke any more than I can control any other event that might happen to me or my family. This is just so close, and it took me so off guard that I am holding onto it more than I would like.

Since my stroke, there have been other things that have happened to my family—disappointments, hurts, relationship struggles, medical events, grief. I haven’t been able to control any of those things, but I can control my response to them and how I support the people closest to me.

My faith tells me that God is sovereign—in control of the big picture and the small details. I do not need to be anxious about anything because God is already in my future and knows the number of my days. I wholeheartedly believe that. However, it is tough for me to rest in that belief in the day to day. My circumstances have been shaken, but my faith has not. I am trying to reconcile my circumstances in light of my faith. It is not easy. If I am completely honest, I often fail because the voice of my what if is so loud. I will get there, but it will take time. As patient as everyone has been with my communication struggles, God is infinitely more patient. I am not perfect in my reliance on Him—far from it—and that didn’t just change when I had a stroke or when my family has faced other tough circumstances. I have never been, and I likely will never be perfectly reliant. That’s ok, though, because as I am imperfect and hard on myself, God responds with patience, grace and mercy.

That’s why God is God, and I am not.

Thanks for reading. 😊 EW

Beginning Again–I’m Back!

It is a new day. There is a new blog design. Old posts have been reposted and I’m charging ahead. One of the hard things about blogging without being particularly tech savvy, is that when things on the website break, it is a huge process to fix them. I had some sort of virus/security breach on my website in the fall of 2022—Google saw it as a threat and stopped showing it. Chats and emails ensued with my domain host trying to figure out what to do and how to do it with my very limited knowledge. Then, I got intensely frustrated with my lack of understanding and busy with other things, so it ultimately fell by the wayside. I started trying to figure it out again in May, 2024, which ultimately resulted in the reboot the site got today.

Time has passed. More lessons have been learned. I’m excited to jump back in with the mental health, faith, leadership, memories, and general life writing that I had come to enjoy. Onwards and upwards!

Thanks for reading (especially after all this time!) 😊 EW

The Human Side of Leadership

Originally posted 12/16/2020

Today was a tough day. There are parts of being a leader that are hard…and then there are parts of being a leader that are really hard. Today was really hard. Being a leader means making difficult decisions and doing the right thing even when it is hard. It means finding the balance of the job we do, the employees we need to support, the deadlines, the accountability, and the myriad of other things involved in leading. As a leader, being human falls pretty low on the list. It is important to be real, but there is a definite difference between being honest and real and being vulnerable and human. It won’t serve those I lead to see my moments of doubt, uncertainty, sadness, and the other emotional ups and downs of being the person who is supposed to have the answers amid uncertainty. Those I lead need to be encourage, empowered, and reminded that things will be ok—because in the long run, that is true. Things will be ok. We need to keep on keeping on and remember that nearly everything is fixable. My doubt won’t be encouraging to those who are looking to me for support. So, my humanness as a leader is reserved for you, my dear readers.

Anytime I am faced with someone under my leadership umbrella who is not open to being led, I doubt my abilities as a leader. As those folks struggle to be successful (or flat out fail to accomplish the job set before them), it is often said that I was too much or not enough. I was too demanding, expected too much, too particular, too intense or I didn’t teach enough, support enough, provide enough resources, cut them enough slack…the list goes on. As much as I know my qualities as a leader are strongest around clear communication of expectations, teaching and support—I am also human. Sometimes I don’t get it right. Did I do enough? Did I miss something? Could I have done more? Should I have done more? Would anything I could have done or not done changed the outcome to something more positive? Those questions all go through my head as I review the situation. It is easy to feel like I am not enough. If the common thread in those who aren’t successful under my leadership is me, then am I not the right fit?

Sometimes being a leader brings sadness. When I see someone who I believe in not reaching the potential I see in them, it makes me sad. I want to see and believe the best in people—and no amount of leadership boundaries will keep that from being a part of who I am. I don’t want to be cynical and skeptical of people. I truly believe that the greatest gift you can give someone you lead is honest feedback and constructive correction when needed. I don’t want to change that, even though I struggle when it doesn’t go how I want it to.

Those are hard days. But, tomorrow is a new day. The hard things don’t change the fact that there is still a job to do, deadlines to meet and people to support. Sad tonight and then back at it tomorrow…

Thanks for reading. 😊 EW

Integrity and Responsibility

Originally posted 11/14/2020

I have always told my kids that integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. Dictionary.com defines integrity as “adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.” The definitions are pretty much the same. The issue isn’t in defining integrity, it’s in living it out in our day to day life—both personally and professionally. All of us have thoughts, decisions, or moments that we aren’t fully proud of. That is part of being human. Our natural inclination as human beings is to be self-focused, self-preserving, and self-righteous. That doesn’t lead as readily to sound moral character as we might hope. Integrity takes work. It takes being intentional, making hard decisions, and being courageous. That is hard, and we don’t always like hard.

Sound moral character must include honesty. Being honest is great when it comes to positive things. We like to talk honestly about our accomplishments or the good things happening in our lives. It is much harder to be honest about our mistakes. Taking responsibility for mistakes is difficult, especially when those mistakes have hurt others. It is sad how infrequently people truly and fully take responsibility for missteps—too often self-preservation kicks in in combination with self-righteousness to help us to find an outside circumstance or another person to view as responsible—or at a minimum more responsible than we are.

I strive to live a life of integrity. I want to be transparent, open, vulnerable, and real. I fall short. Daily. The hope of honesty, sound moral character, and doing what is right is to do better as you know better, to learn from mistakes and moments of struggle. Integrity is more than seeing and admitting mistakes, it is also about having the courage to learn from those mistakes and change going forward.

Integrity is also about speaking with honor and dignity about others—being honest when we speak of others. We must remember that we can lift others up and support their growth and success without diminishing our potential for success. We don’t have to tear others down or see competition in others in order to grow and progress ourselves. As much as I cringe a little bit when I hear some of the cliché comments on teamwork, it is so true that when we surround ourselves with people we can grow and develop with, we all benefit. We are more than the sum of our parts, which is how we were designed to be.

I hope you will think about the role that integrity has in your personal and professional life. Where can you be more honest, take more responsibility, lean into to help yourself and others grow stronger? How can your honesty, integrity, and positive sense of responsibly build up those around you? If we could all focus on learning from our mistakes rather than trying to deny them, cover them, or make them someone else’s responsibility, the better we will all be.

Thanks for reading! 😊 EW

Practical Gratitude & Positivity

Originally written 4/10/2022

I have found myself thinking a lot lately about gratitude and positivity. I believe that God created me for a purpose and gifted me with skills and abilities to equip me for that purpose. I believe that, by God’s grace and mercy, I am gifted with so much more than I deserve. I believe that I can speak life into others, be a light in dark places, and spread more positivity than grumpiness. Unfortunately, belief doesn’t translate to practicing gratitude or positive focus as much or as quickly as it should sometimes. I get bogged down by circumstances, stuck in my feelings, or too busy looking at others around me, and then I fail to see all that I have and all the good that is around me.

 I think it is a normal, human condition to skip gratitude at times, and instead look at what we lack. I certainly don’t expect to be continuously happy when things are crappy. However, even in the crappiest of circumstances, I want to be someone who strives to be grateful. It isn’t about pretending that difficult things don’t exist or spreading fake sunshine. It is more about getting out of my own way and seeing that I have a choice in how I process and handle things. I can choose to see a moment of difficulty as a moment, or I can choose to let it impact my entire day. I can choose to be stuck in my grumpiness, exhaustion, or defeat, or I can choose to take a deep breath and do what I need to do to rest and heal and allow those feelings to pass. I can choose to see others around me as competition or I can choose to celebrate the highs and support the lows of others whenever I can.

I ultimately think it comes down to looking to myself less and to others more. Self-awareness is important, but too much self-focus doesn’t put me where I want to be. To effectively speak life, be a light and spread positivity, I must focus on the good and the things that I am grateful for—otherwise I won’t have the positive focus to pass to others. I am certainly not always where I want to be on this. Last week at work, I spoke negativity out of raw feeling that wasn’t beneficial for anyone to hear. I likely made a very different first impression on a few co-workers than I intended. Thankfully I was able to regroup, and my coworkers were gracious. I am I work in progress.

To the other works in progress on the gratitude and positivity front, I see you. It is tough to keep a positive focus amid so much negativity and so many difficult circumstances. It is a journey that takes making one positive choice and then another, owning your mistakes, and offering yourself grace. You’ve got this!!

Thanks for reading 😊 EW

Six Months Later…

Originally written 4/2/2022

For the past week I have been acutely aware that today is the six-month mark. Six months ago, I slept late on a Saturday morning, came downstairs to my family, had a conversation, and then my life was forever changed. The currency by which I interact at work, at home, and in my relationships was gone and I was trapped inside my head. Thankfully, with life saving medication (which I learned cost about $25,000!!) and therapy, I relearned. Six months later, I am told that no one can tell. I think that is a complete lie that people tell just to make me feel less self-conscious, but I’m grateful for those in my circle who are trying to protect me.

So, how am I feeling six months out from my stroke? It’s complicated. To put it bluntly, I’m a mess of emotions. I feel like I should be further—more toward my baseline, more like myself. I feel like it can’t possibly have been that long—like time has stopped or at least slowed down. I feel guilty for being frustrated when I should be grateful. I also feel grateful. I feel scared—like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop—what if I’m not so fortunate when it does. I wanted this to be a blip on the radar of my medical history, an unfortunate hiccup in the fall that was long past. It’s not. It’s bigger than I imagined it would be at this point. It truly was life changing in ways that I’m still trying to figure out.

One of those ways is fatigue. Those who are close to me know that napping has always been my superpower. I can go from being active to napping faster than a sports car gets on the highway. I love a good nap on a rainy or snowy day, a Sunday afternoon nap, a vacation nap, or a nap in the car. However, in the last six months, naps have become increasingly frustrating because I need them even when I don’t want them. The other aftereffects of my stroke are even more obvious when I don’t nap. I have a nap scheduled into almost every day—instead of a lunch hour, I have a nap hour. Don’t get me wrong, the naps are glorious!! I just don’t want to need them. I want to be able to sleep for 7-8 hours at night and be able to function throughout the day.

Another one of those ways is aphasia. I have learned so much about aphasia in the last 6 months, including that only 7% of people have ever heard of it. The type of aphasia I have is primarily expressive. I can understand what people say, I can read and comprehend. I struggle with word retrieval, pronunciation, and spelling. I have never had to proofread my documents so much in my life! Sometimes I will be thinking a word to speak or type, and a completely different word will come out, or the correct word will come out, but it will be unrecognizable. I have awkward pauses in my speech. My aphasia is significantly worse when I am tired. Sometimes at the end of the day I struggle to get a correct sentence out at all. The hardest part about aphasia is not the actual speaking—it is in the energy it takes to speak understandably.

A third way is understanding directions—left and right. I have always been a little directionally challenged. I have always been one of those people who struggles to “go west a half a mile and then turn north”. I need “go toward the Sonic and turn left at the Quik Trip”. In the first days and weeks after my stroke, I was significantly confused by left and right. I failed that part of my speech assessment, I gave my kids inaccurate directions to places, I even struggle with which shoe went on which foot. Thankfully, I have gotten significantly better with left and right, but I still second guess at times (yes, I do hold up my hands to see which one makes the “L”). I have been doing yoga for several years—that is where I notice it the most. If I’m supposed to be doing one thing with my right hand and another with my left, that is a struggle! I can eventually get it, but it takes some serious thought sometimes.

 Another way is the emotional counterbalance between feeling so fortunate that my stroke wasn’t worse and was caught so quickly, being so scared that it will happen again, and I might not be so fortunate the next time, being frustrated that I’m not “back to normal” and feeling petty that I am frustrated. I know that all these emotions are valid. They are understandable for someone who has experienced something life altering at a young(ish) age. I would say that to anyone else, but I’m not as good at giving myself the same grace.

A huge positive that has come out of this time is a slower life pace. My stroke happened a few weeks before my professional role was scheduled to change. Even though my role didn’t change as a result of my stroke, I have been so grateful for the timing! I would have struggled to keep the pace in my job that I had kept the past 12 years. I worked an overnight shift 36 hours before my stroke. I will forever be thankful that it didn’t happen on that shift! My new role means no time on call, no covering shifts, no ridiculously long hours, and mostly working from home. It means that I have time to read, volunteer, and make social connections that I struggled to make time for before.

I am thankful for all the support that I have had as my friends and family have navigated through this with me.

Thanks for reading! 😊 EW

Transform

Originally written 1/1/2022

My word of the year for 2021 was Transform. As usual, I had no idea where that would take me, and as usual I couldn’t have predicted even a little bit of it. The word transform found in Romans 12:2, which was my verse for the year:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

At the start of 2021, I was weary of the political and social climate, the pandemic, and all things us versus them. My soul was crying out for renewal. I dove into Romans 12, which is so rich and full of practical lessons—those that are easy to read but hard to implement. Transformation is not fast—mentally, physically, or spiritually.

As we continued through 2021, I learned that my job role was going to change due to an acquisition—more ways to transform! I wanted my team to be well prepared for new leadership, policies, and practices while still maintaining the standards that we should. I met with my direct reports to study leadership by going through Adored: Be the Leader Your Team Needs You to Be by Dan Owolabi. I wanted to see their leadership transformed so their teams would thrive. I soon learned that my journey for transformation wasn’t as contagious as I would have hoped. However, my team read through the book, answered my questions, and dutifully met every other Tuesday.

Then, came the literal renewing of my mind through my stroke. I knew that words were important to me—they were the currency by which performed nearly all of my job roles: teaching, problem solving, and behavior support to name a few. However, I couldn’t fathom the frustration of learning how to form words, make sense of sentences and paragraphs, and simply conveying my basic wants and needs. It was a transformation that I couldn’t have foreseen and that still feels surreal at times. Thankfully, my language came back quickly with therapy (though my spelling is still horrible–thank goodness for spell check!!), but the shift in focus caused by my stroke will carry on.

I am so thankful to be transformed mentally, emotionally and spiritually through 2021. I am happy to ring in 2022 but grateful for the lessons of 2021.

Thanks for reading 😊 EW

Back to Work

Originally posted 10/30/21

On October 25, 2021 I was released back to work “as tolerated.” My job role was changing due to an acquisition, and I didn’t want to be behind in learning the processes and procedures of the company we were folding into. As it turns out, I thought I could tolerate much more than I could. The first week wasn’t so bad. I had scheduled trainings but most of them were virtual, so I could nap in between. I truly took it easy that first week. Over the three weeks since then, I have been learning my new role combined with wrapping up the pieces of my previous role that I needed to—it has been a lot. If I’m being completely honest, it has been too much. There is a lot to be transitioned and staff to be reassured in the uncertain times that come with any learning curve. I have worked too many hours, which has often come with the price of a killer headache and napping rather than cooking dinner and spending time with my family. I know that the effects of my aphasia seem to be magnified with fatigue, and typically at the worst times for me professionally. For example, one afternoon this week, I answered a phone call from a state official and couldn’t pronounce my name correctly. Thankfully, she, and everyone else have been very patient and gracious even if they don’t know the reason behind my medical leave. I know I’m more bothered by it then anyone else. That doesn’t really make me feel better at the time.

My speech therapist recommended my return to work because it would create real world experiences in my communication that are difficult to replicate in therapy. She predicted that my speech and language would make enormous strides. That has certainly been true. I wouldn’t have made the progress I have made over the past four weeks if I hadn’t been working. Unfortunately, the balance is that it has not been as good for my fatigue or my mental health. Boundaries have been hard to set but they are necessary.

I continue to be thankful that I have come so far in six weeks. As I learn to balance myself and my work differently than I have had to before, things will continue to improve. These past weeks have been a lesson in patience with myself and flexibility with my ever-changing abilities and limits. I am learning. I am growing. I am healing. I am grateful.

Three weeks later

Originally posted 10/23/21

It has been three weeks since my stroke. The only lasting effects seem to be fatigue and continued speech and language issues. Cognitively and physically, I am fine. According to the research, fatigue is normal for 3-6 months after a stroke, even if it is minor. Low energy times are my new normal—at least for a while. Exercise and caffeine are going to continue to be my friends 😊 Speech therapy twice a week and at home activities have helped my speech immensely. I now have a daily routine of reading aloud to help my speech fluency, naming as many words as possible beginning with the same letter or in the same category to improve my word retrieval, and writing letters, texts and emails to help my spelling, grammar and context. To those who have been writing and texting me, please keep them coming—every text, email, or letter gives me and opportunity for practice.

The emotional toll my stroke has taken has surprised me. I feel like my brain has failed me. I realize that this is not accurate or rational since my brain has been damaged—this truly is not my brain’s fault. However, I have relied on my language and communication skills for innumerable tasks both personally and professionally. I am not myself without my ability to communicate. Another effect that has surprised me is the constant fear of another stroke. 25% of stroke survivors have another stroke within a year. That statistic applies to the general population—it is a little lower for people under 50 at their first stroke (about 18%). That is a low number, but still statistically significant. I had no pain with my first stroke, I was just talking one minute and not talking the next. The weakness, pain, vision changes, or any other typical symptoms weren’t present. If I were to have another, would it be as difficult to detect? I have had migraines for most of my adult life, and it is not uncommon for those migraines to have a visual aura or slurring of speech associated with them. I had my first post stroke migraine about a week ago, and I was rattled. Will my body fail me again? Will it be worse this time? Will I be alone? I am hoping that, with time, the anxiety I feel will go away. We’ll see.

I know that I have so much to be grateful for in this. My family was with me and knew to call 911. The ER doctor and the neurologist on call acted quickly, giving me the best change of a good outcome. The stroke was localized and contained thanks to the speed of treatment, causing minimal damage. Many people are not as fortunate. I truly am so, so thankful. 

(And, just for reference this post took me about an hour—and was still edited by a friend)